Bike Snob Read online

  Of course you should wear a helmet on your bike. It’s a smart thing to do, and there’s really no reason not to wear one. But rather than sell you on the practicality and inherent safety of cycling, bicycle companies want to sell you on the high-performance, high-risk image of cycling. Not only can they get you on a bike that requires constant upgrades to remain on the cutting edge, but they can also sell you plenty of safety gear to go along with it. Why sell you just one thing when they can sell you two? High-risk activities are “cool,” yet doing high-risk activities without matching protective gear is “uncool.” But hopping on your bike without a helmet is simply not a crazy thing to do, and not every type of cycling requires protection. Yes, jumping on your downhill rig without a helmet and blasting down the side of a mountain at 50 mph is possibly stupid and definitely crazy. Likewise, you are required to wear a helmet during any type of sanctioned competitive cycling, which makes sense since it requires speed and aggression and crashes are an inevitable part of the sport. But hopping on your townie bike to go to a friend’s house, or to head down to the beach, or to pick up some mayonnaise at the store is simply not something that requires a helmet (unless you’re making an “extreme mayo run”). Sure, some people become interested in cycling through racing, but others purchase that image and quickly get fed up with the fact that simply putting on all the necessary gear and getting on a racing bike is only slightly more convenient than scuba diving.

  I know that cycling advocacy groups certainly mean well when they promote helmet use, but the unfortunate side effect is that when they push it too hard it helps to feed the fear. Instead of an efficient and convenient way to get around, cycling seems like an extreme sport. The truth is that it can be an extreme sport, but day to day, it’s not. In bike-friendly cities like Copenhagen and Amsterdam where everybody rides, nobody wears a helmet, and they manage just fine. Again, I will say that you should wear a helmet. Plenty of people will tell you tales of having crashes that broke their helmets, and that it’s better to break your helmet than your skull. Then again, when I wear a helmet I bump my head on all sorts of things my head would not have otherwise touched, like doorways, because I suddenly have a lot more head. In any case, let a helmet serve as the precaution that it is, but don’t let it scare you from riding a bike. And if it’s between riding a bike without a helmet and not riding a bike, you’re better off just riding the bike.

  Exposing Yourself:

  Be Seen on Your Bike

  As a cyclist and a selfish person, I’d like things to be better for me. And if that works out for others too, then great. Some things I’d like are more and better bike lanes, more respect from motorists, better bike parking, and traffic laws that work for cyclists as well as drivers. However, as a curmudgeon and a person who likes to keep to himself, I don’t want to actually have to do anything to make these things happen. And I think this is okay. I know my place, and civic involvement is not it. Not only do I get very uncomfortable around people who wear wool socks with sandals, but I’m also very reluctant to make commitments that cut into my cycling and TV time. Fortunately, there are organizations all over the country that lobby for these things on my behalf. They’re staffed by people in wool socks and sandals who are unconcerned with missing TV shows because, as they’ll remind you as often as they can, they don’t own TVs. As much as I appreciate them, I have no intention of joining them.

  While this may seem apathetic, I stand by my attitude. It’s better for everybody that I don’t get involved. I’m a complainer, not a fighter, and I’m a pessimist, not an activist. I believe that by simply being cyclists and riding our bikes we’re actually doing as much for cycling as anybody. This is part of the beauty of cycling—all it really takes to be a cycling advocate is to ride your bike. That’s your only responsibility. The more people who are out there riding bikes, the more cycling benefits. Hey, if you want to join a cycling advocacy group go right ahead, but you should only do it if you find that sort of thing fun in the first place. Some people like to mix politics in with their cycling, just as others like to mix in science and data by putting power meters on their bikes and downloading their rides. In both cases, the clinical term is “geeking out.” Both are fine, but neither makes you a “better” cyclist—or a better person.

  Change will come for cyclists the same way it came for clothing. Not too long ago you were a dirtbag if you didn’t wear a hat and a suit or an ankle-length dress, and you had to swim in what is now formal wear. But more and more people started dressing down, and now you can wear T-shirts and jeans to work. (Well, not to all jobs, but given the economic meltdown I’m not sure how much longer the jobs that require dressing up are going to exist.) And we didn’t need a Martin Luther King, Jr., of T-shirts, either. All we needed was to wear the damn things whenever we wanted to. Yes, the T-shirt was a cultural revolution! “From underwear to formal wear!” would have been its slogan if it needed one.

  It’s the same thing with cycling. If you’re in an office building and you look like you’ve been riding a bike people think you’re weird in a way they don’t even if you’re wearing a leather jacket and carrying a motorcycle helmet under your arm. If the motorcyclists can do it, so can we! (Plus, their outfits double as fetish clothing in some circles.) Right now cycling as a form of transportation is where swim-wear was in like 1890, but that will change. What put rock music on the airwaves? What got nudity on television? What allowed salsa to join the “canon of condiments”? More and more people listening to it, doing it, and eating it. The more people see of something, the more accepting they are of it. Yesteryear’s porn is today’s modest cleavage. So come on, cyclists, show ‘em your tits! People need to see you riding your bike to work. They need to get used to seeing bikes locked up outside of stores, bars, and courthouses. (I always ride my bike to court when Barbara Walters files another restraining order. She calls it stalking; I call it showing my appreciation.) Eventually, they’ll look for cyclists before turning, merging, or stopping because they’ll know we’re always there, just like the woman who keeps falling into the toilet will eventually check to make sure the seat is down once that guy finally moves in with her.

  I know I’m doing my part. Besides commuting to work in street clothes, making “extreme mayo runs,” and riding to social engagements, I also race my bike. In a single day, a non-cyclist might see me on three different bikes in three different outfits. In only twelve hours I’ve done the work of a Righteous Cyclist, an Urban Cyclist, and a Roadie. I’m like a Voltron of cycling dorkitude. I think that’s way more effective than a “One Less Car” sticker.

  Don’t Be Stupid

  When it comes to cycling, it’s essential to be without fear and to ride your bike whenever and wherever you want. However, it’s also essential to be smart. This may seem obvious, but there are a lot of stupid cyclists out there. There may even be as many stupid cyclists as stupid drivers, proportionately speaking. And even though stupid drivers are more of a risk to others in that their vehicles are really fast and heavy, the stupid cyclists are just as big a risk to themselves.

  Admittedly, though, the cyclist also has more of an excuse. In a world that’s prejudiced against cyclists it’s no surprise that so many people don’t learn how to ride properly. And when I say “properly” I don’t mean having a fluid pedal stroke, or wearing the right gear, or pulling off into the wind when riding in a paceline. I’m talking about really simple things, like not going the wrong way down a one-way street. But because so many people think that riding a bike is something that children do, a lot of adults actually do ride bikes like children.

  Cyclists who ride against traffic (also known as “bike salmon”) or who ride on the sidewalk are even worse for cycling than dumb drivers and poor street designs. First of all, every time a non-cyclist sees a bike salmon it reaffirms their notion that cycling is a pastime for children and crazy people. Second of all, there’s nothing more irritating than riding along with traffic at a good clip only to encounter s
ome idiot coming at you head-on. Generally, they react to you in one of two ways: (1) they smile at you, as if to say, “Hey, we’re both on bikes! Isn’t this great?” No, it’s not great! And I have no intention of moving for you, either. If one of us is going to have to veer suddenly into traffic, it’s going to be you; or (2) they look at the space just above your head to avoid eye contact, because they know they’re doing something stupid and they’re embarrassed. This is even more annoying than the first scenario. I’ll take some beaming idiot over some craven person who can’t even look me in the eye any day.

  Even though we’re forced to live in a world that’s not designed for us, there are certain laws that make complete sense for everybody. Stupidity begets stupidity. Have you ever run a red light when the coast is clear, only to almost get hit by a cyclist who’s got the light but whom you didn’t see because he’s going the wrong way down a one-way street? I have. At that moment, you’ve stepped into a vortex of anarchy and poor judgment, and you don’t know whether to get angry at the other rider, get angry at yourself, or just get naked and dance around in the middle of the intersection because, hey, you might as well. Naturally, cyclists want to be treated as serious vehicle users by motorists and non-cyclists. And in order to be treated that way the most important thing is to actually use your bicycle as a serious vehicle, and not to ride it like you’re a ten-year-old in a suburban cul-de-sac. That doesn’t mean you should take crap from drivers, or yield when others should actually yield to you, or even that you should obey every stupid law that doesn’t take your best interest into account. But it does mean that you forfeit a certain amount of credibility when you ride against traffic while on a cell phone and then just hop onto the sidewalk when things get too hairy.

  Coping with Anger

  It’s no wonder that there’s so much anger out there. After all, the streets are teeming with drivers and riders and pedestrians, all of whom think that their own claim on the road is more important than that of the other person. Even when everybody’s doing what they’re supposed to be doing it’s intense. And when you factor in a mistake or some wrongheaded driving or riding, the results can be incendiary. It’s like the West Bank out there: everybody thinks they’re right and that the other person doesn’t belong.

  Inevitably, then, you’re going to find yourself drawn into some kind of altercation, and that’s a tricky thing. Even though I’m generally cantankerous and irritable to the extent that I have no trouble getting into arguments with inanimate objects (yes, I’ve actually gotten lost and yelled at streets for not being where I remember them), I also feel that fighting (whether verbal or physical) should be a last resort and avoided at all costs. Whether that’s because I’m in tune with some higher truth (doubtful) or I’ve been duped into accepting the ethics put forth by the Judeo-Christian cultural hegemony I don’t know, but in any event that’s what I believe.

  But just because I believe it doesn’t mean I follow it. (And what’s more Judeo-Christian than not following your own beliefs?) In reality, I get into arguments with people on the road fairly regularly. Usually, they’re motorists, and usually, they’ve just done something to endanger me. And when somebody does something that puts you at risk, you have to be a Gandhi or a Jesus or a Buddha to not get mad. Either that, or just some kind of drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. And I’m far from a Gandhi, or a Jesus, or a Buddha, nor am I a drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. However, a driver who throws his car into reverse to snag a parking space halfway down the block and almost mows me down in the process does have the power to make me into a drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. That’s not something I want to be. I get angry—angry enough to melt cheese with my eyes.

  At this point, I’m torn. On the one hand, the higher truth and/or Judeo-Christian propaganda to which I subscribe tells me to turn the other cheek, revel smugly in my own superiority, and perhaps even offer the driver some tea. However, the enraged part of me feels that this person has no idea what they almost just did to me, and that they must be told—loudly, and with lots of obscenities. I want to drown them in the melted pepper jack cheese of my anger. And I do feel there’s some validity to that. After all, if someone has no idea they almost killed a cyclist, how can they be expected to drive smarter and more carefully in the future? What’s to stop them from doing it again if they had no idea they did it in the first place? Does someone have to die for them to learn? Perhaps by getting angry at them they’ll be more careful next time and I’ll have actually saved a life! And what’s more Gandhiriffic than that? (Plus, you get to use the F-word!)

  This is where things get really tricky. If you’re going to confront someone, you’d better make sure you’re right. There’s probably nothing in the world more dangerous than thinking you’re right. That attitude caused everything from the Salem witch trials to Cuba Gooding, Jr., taking that role in Boat Trip. Thinking you’re right is exactly like having way too much to drink and thinking that you’re perfectly fine to drive. Righteousness is intoxicating, and that very intoxication gets you into trouble.

  Moreover, cyclists can be just as wrong as anybody else. I once watched some doofus on a hybrid bicycle riding on the sidewalk. He almost hit some older woman’s dog. The woman, justifiably, got angry. In turn, the cyclist, who stupidly thought he was doing nothing wrong, actually shouted “fucking bitch,” and he wasn’t referring to the dog. (The dog looked more like a “Pookie” anyway.) The woman’s retort was simply, “Be a man. Ride in the street.” I couldn’t agree more. If you change the word “man” to “cyclist” that could actually be the motto of the cycling nation.

  Chances are if you can’t say something calmly you’re probably wrong on some level. Whenever possible, instead of shouting, I try to simply say, “Do you know you almost killed me back there?” Sometimes, the driver will actually be contrite. (Sadly, sometimes it also backfires, since the driver will occasionally say something like, “So what? You should be on the sidewalk anyway,” which is like squirting kerosene on a barbecue in terms of my anger.) Even ridicule is better than anger. It’s hard to do when you’re angry, but when done right it at least stalls the driver long enough so that they don’t have time for an angry retort and are forced to actually consider what they’ve done. I once asked a speeding driver who passed me dangerously if he was a surgeon. When he asked why, I explained, “Someone’s life must be on the line for you to have almost killed me back there. You must be tremendously important.” He became tongue-tied and embarrassed instead of self-righteous and angry.

  And naturally, the biggest risk in approaching any driver is that you never know just how crazy they are. The honking SUV driver may be a cow, but there is such a thing as Mad Cow Disease, and some cows will attack. Avoiding confrontation is probably the smartest approach of all.

  Riding in Traffic Without Getting Killed

  Be Confident

  Telling someone to be confident is kind of like telling someone to be taller; it’s not really something you can do on command. However, you can acquire confidence on the bike over time, and the safest way to ride is assertively, not tentatively. It’s like carrying a couple of full cocktail glasses: if you look straight ahead and walk steadily, you won’t spill a drop; if you keep looking down and worrying about spilling them, you will.

  Don’t Ride Next to Cars at Intersections

  Probably the most common driver/cyclist encounter I witness and experience is drivers turning into cyclists they don’t see. Sure, it would be nice if drivers turned their heads occasionally, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. In the meantime, when you approach an intersection think of the cars as affectionate cats that are going to try to rub themselves against you.

  Watch Out for Doors

  There are few cyclists who have not had an unfortunate encounter with a swiftly opening car door at some point. For some reason, drivers love to fling their doors open dramatically—I always expect Bette Midler to burst out and start singing show tunes. Dooring is an especially big
problem in big cities like New York, but really it happens everywhere. So keep it in mind, because those doors always seem to pop open and those cankles always seem to pop out when you least expect it.

  Use Lights

  It strikes me as odd that many cyclists don’t use lights at night. Of course, the bicycle industry is at least partially to blame—bikes are pretty much the only form of transportation for which lights are an aftermarket item. (Reflectors don’t count—what’s the point of lighting that depends entirely on other lights?) Besides bicycles, the only fast-moving objects that don’t use lights are missiles, bullets, and bombs, all of which are designed to take people by surprise and run into them. Unless that’s your goal on the bike, too, you should probably use a light.

  CYCLING AND THE CITY

  The Gentrification of the Bicycle

  As a child growing up in pre-gentrification Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, I went everywhere by bicycle. My bike was in many ways the key to my neighborhood, which, at the time, was Boerum Hill, Brooklyn. This was in the ‘60s and ‘70s, before all the white people and restaurants. I really can’t underscore boldly enough the fact that I grew up in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, before it was gentrified. You could get mugged!

  —Jonathan Lethem

  For years people have been talking about “gentrification.” Basically, gentrification is when some poor, or boring, or regular, or otherwise unremarkable neighborhood experiences an influx of bars and restaurants and clubs and young people and becomes annoying. It’s like going to the same supermarket day after day for years, until one day you show up, there’s an entire section dedicated to exotic foods that cost over $20, and all the employees are speaking with that mid-Atlantic accent Madonna has.