Bike Snob Read online

  But even if you’re more seventies ‘lude salesman than bike racer in your relationship with exertion, it’s still going to happen now and again. No matter how many ‘ludes you take (do ‘ludes even exist anymore?) there’s no getting around gravity, and unless you live someplace completely flat occasionally you’ve got to ride up a hill. And that can hurt no matter how slowly you do it. So if you’re on your bike and you happen to encounter a hill, try to make the best of it. Look upon it as an opportunity for introspection and self-discovery. The fact is that the way you react to a really nasty climb will tell you everything you need to know about yourself. For example, I know I’m a worrier and a procrastinator, because when I see a climb on the horizon I dread it and focus on how much I don’t want to do it. Then once I’m on the climb I start wishing it wasn’t happening, but eventually I start to pick out little landmarks on the side of the road (“Okay, just have to get to the abandoned shoe…okay, made it. Now just keep going until the raccoon carcass”) in order to trick myself into continuing. (This is the cycling equivalent of “chunking.”) Then of course after the climb is over I think, “That wasn’t really that hard—I should do more of that!” which underscores my inability to live in the moment.

  Basically, pain via exertion is mostly optional, but at the times it’s mandatory it can be a window into yourself.

  Weather Pain

  Cycling’s practicality comes from the machine’s light weight and efficiency, but these things do come at a cost: exposure to the elements. We have no control over weather conditions, and those conditions can sometimes be far from ideal for cycling. However, certain conditions aren’t nearly as bad as you’d think they’d be, and there are also a lot of simple things you can do to make your ride a lot more pleasant.

  Depending on where you live, the most common form of adverse weather is probably rain. Generally, it likes to attack by falling on you from the sky, but it can do so in the form of a light mist or in heavy bursts. It can also start, make you think it’s over, coax you outside, and then start again. It can even pounce on you from out of nowhere when the sky is completely clear, like a deranged house cat. So until humanity figures out a way to control rain completely (and I remain confident that day will come) the best thing you can do is have a bike with fenders.

  Full fenders are one of the best things you can put on your bicycle. Obviously if it’s raining heavily you’re going to get wet no matter what. But in light rain having full fenders can keep you almost completely dry in conditions that would otherwise have you filthy and wet from road spray. Too many people make the mistake of only thinking about the rain that’s falling down, but when you’re on a bicycle your wheels actually throw up more water from the road than is falling down from the sky. Essentially, without fenders, it’s raining more than twice as hard as it is with fenders. It can not be raining at all, but if the ground is wet and you don’t have fenders your ass is going to get wet. Yes, fenders will actually reduce your wetness by more than 50 percent. In other words, you’ll be able to ride more than twice as much as you did without them, since what was once enough rain to keep you off the bike is now less than half enough to keep you inside.

  The only real reason not to have fenders is if your bike is used mostly for racing, or if you’re riding off-road. (Getting a stick wedged between your tire and your fender usually ends badly for you and your bike. Plus, if you’re riding in the woods you’re probably not on your way to work so it doesn’t really matter if you get wet and muddy.) However, in many places it doesn’t even occur to people to use fenders. Here in New York City, for example, fenders are relatively uncommon—even on bicycles specifically designed with fenders in mind.

  Once again, I blame the bicycle industry and their “high performance/high risk” sales pitch. Not only can it be tricky to install fenders on a lot of bikes, but people also see fenders as aesthetically displeasing, or “dorky,” or something to be removed if they were even on there in the first place, like reflectors and (ugh) pie plates. And as one of the most outspoken anti—pie plate crusaders in cycledom, the fact that fenders have become linked with pie plates in some cyclists’ minds is enough to make me openly weep. It’s like in A Clockwork Orange when they brainwashed Alex to hate violence but they accidentally made him hate Beethoven too. And I confess, I was once one of those people who thought fenders were unsightly and unnecessary. But eventually I could no longer ignore my wet buttocks, and now I can’t live without them. Sure, my race bikes are fenderless, but any bike I may be riding in street clothes must have fenders. And once I came to terms with the importance of fenders, I stopped thinking they looked bad, or “dorky.” Instead, fenders on a bike began to mean that the bike with fenders is actually ridden in all sorts of conditions, and bikes without fenders started to seem dorky instead. A fenderless city bike is kind of like the sleeveless T-shirt/fingerless glove combo to me now—it’s a bad parody of toughness.

  Besides rain, the other thing that keeps people off the bike is cold. Different people have different tolerances for cold, and if you’re a longtime rider you probably know what yours is. However, if you’re a new cyclist, the cold can be daunting—more daunting than it should be. This is because your relationship to the cold is as a non-cyclist, so either you’re in a building or vehicle that is heated, or you’re just out in the cold walking or standing still. And walking or standing still is much, much worse than being in the cold on the bike. When you ride, you warm up pretty quickly, and on all but the worst days I’d much rather be riding than walking. Of course, this depends on wearing the right clothing. There’s all manner of expensive technical gear you can purchase (both bike and non-bike specific) but it basically boils down to this:

  Wear a hat

  You can get all sorts of synthetic bike-specific hats, but even just a wool one that covers your ears is fine.

  Wear gloves

  If you live someplace where there’s winter you understand gloves, so I don’t think it’s necessary to explain, but obviously you’re moving on a bicycle, so give some thought to wind-resistance as well as water-resistance. Also, they don’t need to be bike-specific, but just make sure if you’re going to rock the Freezy Freakies that they allow you to operate the controls.

  Cover your feet

  If you’re riding in regular shoes, wear warm ones, as well as warm socks. If you’re riding in cycling shoes, get windproof covers.

  Wear a wind-blocking jacket

  Whatever you wear should be windproof or wind-resistant on the outside. You want to keep the air inside warm and you want to keep the cold air out. Simple.

  Pants

  Wear them at all times.

  Also, water-resistance is always good, and remember that when cotton gets wet it tends to stay that way, which makes you cold. That’s really it. If you’re racing or doing “serious” rides you’ll want to get the bike-specific technical stuff and to avoid cotton altogether, but if you’re riding for transportation you’ll do just fine in the Army-Navy store. It might take some experimentation, but you’ll figure it out pretty quickly. You’ll probably also be surprised to discover it’s pretty easy to stay warm on the bike and that cycling is still pleasant even when it’s cold out.

  That said, there’s a different point for every rider at which the misery of the cold outweighs the pleasure of riding. As you learn the tricks of dressing, that point can get lower and lower, but it still exists somewhere. Speaking strictly for myself, when it comes to deciding whether or not to ride, I use the “movie system”:

  1903:

  The Great Train Robbery comes out. It’s one of the first movies, but it doesn’t really hold up today. Three degrees Fahrenheit*—stay inside.

  1915:

  D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation is released. It’s somewhat recognizable as a movie and you might watch it today if you’re desperate, but it’s silent and all that stuff with the Ku Klux Klan is pretty disturbing. Fifteen degrees Fahrenheit—you might be able to ride, but it’s
probably not worth it.

  1927:

  The Jazz Singer is one of the first movies to incorporate sound and dialogue. Now we’re getting somewhere. Though it still seems pretty archaic, you might actually want to sit and watch it if there’s nothing else on. Twenty-seven degrees Fahrenheit—sure, I’ll head out.

  1934:

  W. C. Field’s It’s a Gift may still be a little old for some, but it’s one of my favorite movies. Thirty-four degrees Fahrenheit—it may be cold for some, but it’s above freezing and I won’t hesitate to ride.

  1940s:

  It’s a Wonderful Life, The Razor’s Edge, all those Hitchcock movies—it’s getting much better out there. Forty degrees Fahrenheit—I’m out there on the bike, no question.

  1950s:

  Still a little dry for some, but come on: On the Waterfront! Fifty degrees Fahrenheit—yep. But you still need a hat and jacket.

  1960s:

  This decade starts with The Apartment and ends with Midnight Cowboy. There’s something for everybody. Sixty degrees Fahrenheit—nobody should hesitate to ride in the sixties.

  1970s:

  Starting with Bananas, A Clockwork Orange, and The French Connection, the seventies then brought us Jaws and Star Wars, and finally ended with Alien, The Muppet Movie, and Star Trek. It’s truly a great movie decade with something for everybody, but the franchise thing is also beginning to take over. Similarly, most people find seventy degrees comfortable, so pretty much everybody with a bike is out there. Basically, the seasoned cyclist is sharing the road with the fair weather opportunist, much like The Deer Hunter shared the cinema with Saturday Night Fever.

  1980s:

  The Police Academy franchise has begun, along with Steve Guttenberg’s rise to prominence. Eighty degrees Fahrenheit—I’ll certainly ride, but I’ll complain about the heat. Crotchal conditions mirror the cheesiness of Guttenberg’s oeuvre.

  1998:

  Krippendorf’s Tribe. Oof. Ninety-eight degrees Fahrenheit—maybe I’ll just stay inside in the AC and watch W. C. Fields movies.

  Despite my own opinions as well of those of random Web sites written by people in Minnesota and the Dakotas that document riding in all sorts of absurdly frigid conditions, there’s nothing wrong with skipping the bike when you’ve reached your personal cold cutoff. Though certain religions would have you believe differently, the fact is the universe does not award bonus points for unnecessary suffering. Just carve out your comfort zone and enjoy it. Personally, I think pretty much any cyclist can ride easily and comfortably in any weather warmer than fifty degrees Fahrenheit (or ten degrees “Celsius,” whatever that is), and as long as the temperature’s above freezing it’s still not too hard for the majority of people to enjoy riding their bikes provided conditions are favorable otherwise. Once you start to experience things like freezing nose hair and icy genitals you may question whether you want to continue. This is a personal choice, and a freezing crotch is certainly not for everybody. And no rider should judge another based on crotchal temperature preference.

  Of course, with cold comes rain’s albino cousin, snow, as well as water’s frigid half sister, ice. Again, depending on your personal threshold, you may or may not be willing to experience these things on the bike. Fenders are good to have in most types of snow, as are tires with a tread. If you’re determined to ride in a place where there’s lots of ice, there are companies that will sell you studded tires, and Web sites that will teach you how to make your own. If you ride in snow and ice, you will almost definitely fall at some point. Falling on snow can be surprisingly soft; falling on ice really sucks. And if you ride a brakeless track bike with toe clips and no fenders in these conditions, you’re suffering unnecessarily for fashion.

  But cycling misery doesn’t just come in the form of cold and wetness. It can also come in the form of heat. And while there aren’t many things you can do to your bike to keep you cooler, when it comes to attire you can always adopt the time-proven technique of Wearing Less Stuff. Also, if you’re cycling for transportation as opposed to recreation, you can put a rack or two on it. Carrying stuff on your bike will keep you way cooler than keeping it in your ultra-trendy, oversized messenger bag with the sweet graphic on the front flap. And if you’re commuting and have a place to change, carry a change of clothes with you. Even if you don’t want to commute in cycling shorts, you should probably try to wear them under your regular pants or shorts when it’s really hot out. Wet cotton is simply not good for the crotch, especially if you’re a guy. Riding in cycling shorts and changing at your job or school can go a long way towards avoiding a condition called tinea cruris, or what the French colloquially call “Jacques itch.” Crotchal dryness should be your number one goal.

  Crash Pain

  At some point, you’re going to fall off your bike. This can happen any number of ways. For example:

  —A car can hit you

  —You can hit a car

  —You can get “doored”

  —You can hit a pedestrian

  —You can slip on ice

  —You can slip on oil

  —You can ride into a stationary inanimate object

  —You can crash in a race

  —You can fall over at a stoplight because you forgot to clip out of your new clipless pedals

  Most of these things have happened to me. Sometimes you get physically hurt, and sometimes the only thing wounded is your dignity. I fell over without clipping out of my new clipless pedals at an intersection in Chinatown that was teeming with both Chinese people and tourists, all of whom came together from across a vast cultural divide to point and laugh at me. I’m sure someone’s got some pictures of it in a drawer in Toledo. The most important thing is to know that you can crash at any time, and also to know that, while it’s occasionally out of your control, oftentimes it’s something you could have avoided. So pay attention. It feels a thousand times worse when you crash and hurt yourself due entirely to your own inattention or ineptitude. It’s always better to have someone to blame.

  How to Not Crash

  Crashes are inevitable. However, you do have a good deal of control over the frequency of your crashes. Here are some things I’ve learned, from years of crashing into things and being crashed into by things, that can dramatically increase the intervals between mishaps.

  Look

  A leading cause of crashing is crashing into stuff. As such, it is extremely helpful to look at your surroundings at all times while riding, so you can identify the things into which you do not want to crash. These things include trees, old ladies carrying groceries, approaching buses, and shark tanks. If you’re too busy texting, or picking a song on your iPod, or simply admiring how sweet your new Vans look in your new silver MKS toe clips, you’re not going to see these things, and consequently you’re almost guaranteed to hit them. Remember that scene in Jaws where they cut the shark open and the license plate comes out? Just imagine a severed foot in an MKS toe clip instead. Shark bites happen to be the 749th most common cycling accident, just before alien probings and just after jackalope bites.

  Use Brakes

  Of course, seeing stuff is only half the battle. You also need to be able to avoid the stuff, or else simply to stop your bicycle before you get to the stuff in the first place. Yes, you can stop a fixed-gear bicycle with just your legs…eventually. But you can stop a fixed-gear bicycle with brakes much, much more quickly. Believe it or not, a fixed-gear with a brake or two is still a fixed-gear. The awkward stopping is not a requirement. Do you ride in crotchless pants? Probably not. Then why ride a brakeless bike?

  Listen

  When you’re riding in a group of cyclists, it’s pretty easy to crash, since you’re really only as safe as the worst rider. All it takes is for one person to swerve or panic-stop for the entire ride to collapse on itself like Michael Jackson’s nose. But as any experienced racer will tell you, the first sign of a crash is usually the sound it makes. So keep your ears open, especially in groups. Hear
ing the crash can give you that extra fraction of a second to take evasive action before you get caught up in it.

  Observe the Rules

  I’m not one for mindlessly following rules. Don’t use your cell phone in the movies?!? What-ever. If I need to conduct urgent credit card—related business with a Bangladeshi call center at the top of my voice during a tender love scene, I’m going to do it! Otherwise it could cut into my riding time.

  However, traffic-related rules need to be taken a bit more seriously. I’m not saying you need to obey all of them, but if you’re interested in crash avoidance you should at least be aware of them. The problem isn’t you, either—you could be the most adept renegade cyclist in the world. But the fact is when you venture into the world of lawless riding you encounter other outlaws. And not all outlaws are good outlaws. Some are vigilantes on the side of justice, some are criminals, and some are just outright crazy. You may be smart enough to run a light without getting hit by a car, but you might not take into account the other cyclist coming through the intersection who has the green light but is also riding the wrong way down a one-way street. Lawless cycling is just a crazy, topsy-turvy, mixed-up world where up is down, stop is go, and the laws of gravity don’t seem to apply.